Diets suck.

My name is Niyaz Pirani. This is at least my fifth time trying to lose weight.

In the past, it’s always been for superficial reasons. But when you figure out that being funny also gets you laid, being fit isn’t much of a priority. But at 28, I’m starting to feel the effects of my 258-lb. frame. My back hurts sometimes so bad that I can’t leave the house; it’s even starting to creep into my knees. These are undoubtedly the results of years of bad eating and little exercise.

At Dad’s house curries and spicy meat dishes overwhelmed my sensitive taste buds. Family dinners were the worst. I would stuff down just enough so I could leave the table, and if I could, I would hop on my bike to hit the nearest burger joint/pizza place/convenience store or gobble up one of the few stockpiles of candy I hid in my room.

Mom’s house was different. While she did cook — and incredibly well many would say — we also went through the drive-thru on a regular basis. Even when it wasn’t KFC, Taco Bell or Burger King, it was fried chicken, tacos and burgers at home.

As an adult, I read more from menus than cookbooks and I prefer the greasiest, cheesiest, meatiest anything. I’m also usually on the couch, glued to the computer, or the TV, or both at the same time. I’m at the point where that’s not going to cut it anymore.

So I’ve decided to take back my diet, and eventually my body too. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

Brian Miller, a high school friend who went on to graduate from the Culinary Institute of America, will design healthy, seasonal meals that I’ll cook at home. As a private chef he cooks like this daily, so I know I’m in good hands.

Every Monday I’ll post the shopping list for three different meals (coming today at 10 a.m.). They’ll be designed to incorporate some of the same ingredients, so shopping for multiple meals can be economical for myself and those who want to cook along. I plan on eating healthy and walking 30 to 60 minutes a day, six days a week. I’m allowing myself a “free day” every Saturday to indulge in stuff like cheeseburgers, or pizza, or cheeseburger pizza.

I’m going to eat fruit in the morning, cereal or an egg as a snack, lunch, an afternoon fruit and dinner. Only water if I can help it. I’m not going to count calories because realistically I’m not going to count calories for the rest of my life. I want to focus on eating real food — food that is natural, comes from the ground or is processed as little as possible.

I’m taking such a simple approach because I’ve learned that I’m not going to keep this weight off going to the gym, taking expensive diet pills or counting points.

Those things won’t stick because I’m just too lazy. Truthfully, I’m pretty nervous as I write this because it means I have to do it.

I started this blog to force the issue, because I’m a writer and I’ve never been afraid to push myself when writing. I’m pretty mild-mannered in reality, though. Call me the fat Peter Parker.

I think of Fat Dude On A Diet as my far more confident alter-ego, some dude in a headband with crazy determination because he’s now put his money where his mouth is.

This is the best worst idea I’ve ever had.

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26 thoughts on “Diets suck.”

  1. I was literally just talking with Sal and Vik about how we agree on everything in moderation, and that we’d rather die 10 years sooner than stick to an extreme diet for the rest of our life.

    So this group of unhealthy slackers is on board with your reasonable plan :)

  2. Thank you for sharing your story with us and being so honest. This is a difficult thing and I’m excited to see you put your humor, passion and Niyazisms into it. Good luck, friend.

  3. Former weight 240 lbs (ft
    Now 168….lowest drop was to 155

    70% diet, 30% exercise. I did it over length (few years) of time to build my regiment so that I could adjust my eating habits, exercise routine etc.

    Good luck.

    1. Thanks porkchopbun. Appreciate the tips. I’m giving it a year, and then I’ll re-evaluate and see what’s what. But I agree. Eating is most of the battle, just for overall well-being. Gotta get a handle on that before I go bench pressing cars and such.

  4. Good luck Niyaz! I had gastric bypass surgery 2 weeks ago so I know how you feel. You can do this! Best wishes n your weight loss journey!

  5. Good luck! I read your ocregister blog all the time, love your stuff. I love food and cooking and I am trying to find new ways to make healthy minimally processed meals, so I am very excited to follow you on this journey.

  6. Best of luck to you!! You are right about counting points, diet pills, etc. They only work if you continue to do them. This is the most realistic diet plan I’ve seen yet. Stay with it and you will succeed!

    1. Absolutely. And that’s why I’m doing it. Because it’s such a bitch, and if I make others hold me accountable, I no longer have the option of failing. Checking your blog now!

  7. Glad to see your blog going. If you add at least 100# to the number you are at, you will be near me, so I’m looking forward to the ideas.

    Tonight was leftover Mexican, KFC, and a few other things, so we need help.
    Jim & Shirley

  8. You are my hero! Having just lost 30 lbs. (and I have at least that to go) I understand the struggle and appreciate the humor you bring to it Niyaz. I will visit your site often and “check up” on you (you check up on me too!)

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